Hurdles

     We all have obstacles. We face them every day. But, sometimes you hit a point when things are so discouraging, that you have to wonder what the purpose is in trying to keep a positive attitude. We have been on the market since mid-July. Everyone who has come to see our apartment loves it! Then they go home and research, and any hope that we had of selling is dashed. Our co-op board has decided to be extremely difficult about the acceptable selling price, and understandably, this turns potential buyers off from the development. I just want to cry. We are currently filled to capacity in this unit. Our living space is definitely standing room only. We can't fit a grain of salt in our attic. My daughter doesn't have space to learn how to walk! We can't even access our Christmas Tree up there anymore, which makes me wonder exactly how we are celebrating Christmas this year. I am already all to aware of where we will be celebrating.

     Thus far, this entire post sounds very whiny, even to my own ears (or I guess technically, my eyes). I am so thankful that we have a roof over our heads when there are so many other people who do not. We have food, love, heat, and running water. I guess the frustration comes from being stuck in a predicament where something is so far out of our hands. It's like we can see the goal within reach, and yet there is a huge barricade in our way that we are powerless to break through. It took a lot for us to get to a point where we could comfortably afford a house while I stay home with our daughter, and now we are just in limbo, waiting for the opportunity. Life never goes according to plan. Maybe if it did, it would be boring? I'd like to opportunity to find out on my own. Enough whining. I promise the next post (which I am about to write), will be more upbeat. It's all about Vivi's beautiful birthday party!

Holy Zebra

     One week from tomorrow, my little girls turns one. Where did it go? This tiny, little peanut who stayed in the NICU for two weeks learning how to eat is now a bottomless pit with teeth, a giggle to die for, and a very outgoing personality. How did I get so blessed that this child was meant for me? This child who I put to bed at night, and count the hours until she wakes up in the morning because I just want to see that beautiful smile. I would do absolutely anything in the world for that smile. And sooo.....

     To detract from my sadness of how much and how quickly this child has grown, I have poured every inch of myself into her first birthday party! An extravaganza filled with cake, candy, and DJ, and most consuming, a whole ton of hot pink and zebra print. I absolutely cannot wait for this party (and to post pictures after). I have done a TON of DIY for this party, and I totally cannot wait to see it all come together. I have painted centerpieces, bedazzled a cupcake tower, and meticulously planned a pink and white candy buffett with splashes of zebra. As I sit here late at night gluing, cutting, painting, I wonder two things to myself: first, what am I going to do for the Sweet 16 to top this?!?!, and secondly, is there ever going to be any way for this child to understand how much I love her? But I press on, with my eye on the prize (or in this case, the party), not because I think that she will have a clue what's going on, not because I am having any sort of competition to "top" myself, but because I realize exactly what I am building as I piece together the components of this party. I am creating another memory of this wonderful child of mine. I am celebrating the year of memories that we have created. I am celebrating this insanely precious gift in my life. I am trying to figure out, with all of the mistakes I've made, what I have done so remarkably correctly that I should have such a gem in my life.

Worst Blogger Ever!

    I am so disappointed in myself for disappearing from this blog, but things have been absolutely insane around here. At first, I thought I would just be on a brief hiatus while we traveled to Greece, and that I would come back and put up wonderful pictures (which I will, I promise). However, sometimes life doesn't care about our plans. So, in addition to the trip to Greece, I have spent the hiatus listing our house for sale, cleaning it like a maniac in case anyone wants to come see, house hunting, planning an extremely elaborate 1st Birthday party (which has now doubled in size), and most recently fleeing a hurricane.

     I have to say that I am becoming a bit discouraged with the process of selling our home. We had to break our contract with the realtor today. After being listed for six weeks, we have had but one showing, horrible communication on her part, and every request we've made has been met with resistance. While I am glad that we came to the decision to part ways, I can't say that I'm not bummed by the thought of now having to start this process all over again. We've been told by a couple of people in the real estate world that we basically have a small window of time to sell this place before the cold weather hits, and then the probability of it selling before next spring or summer drops significantly. I cannot bear the idea of another Christmas Eve with 15 people crammed in our tiny 2-bedroom, preparing all of that food in our efficiency kitchen. It drives me nuts that my daughter does not have a space of her own, but rather shares her bedroom with our computer. The bottom line is we have passed growing out of this apartment and it feels like a short matter of time before our belongings are spilling out into the street. You know, kind of like those cartoons where people keep cramming stuff into a house and then the roof pops off?

     The Birthday party is coming along, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't stressed (t-minus 19 days!), but it is a good kind of stress. I am making a good majority of the decorations myself, and enjoy event planning so much that if I ever lose my laziness, I would love for it to be more than just a hobby. I am waiting on the cupcake tower to arrive so that I can decorate it to match our hot pink and zebra theme. The menu is planned, and the candy buffet is mapped out, although not purchased yet. My biggest stress is the d.j., who I haven't been able to get in touch with, although I know very well that he is dependable. I am not so much worried about him, as just wanting to get the bill squared away and go over some last minute details. My other big stress is the food. Prior to our guest list growing to a ridiculous number, I had no problem cooking for this party, in an effort to cut some costs. Now I find myself faced with a guest list of 71 people, and growing daily. That is a small wedding! Regardless, it is going to be an absolutely fantastic party, and I can't wait to put up pictures!

     Which brings us to this chick, Irene. I don't know who the hell she thinks she is, but I am sure glad she's gone. I hope that everyone stayed safe during the storm, and pray for the people who have lost their homes, lives, and cherished belongings. As for us, we drove down to the NJ Shore (the family-oriented part, not the MTV version) on Thursday morning, against my better judgment, to begin our vacation of Thursday through Monday. By the time we arrived, the prognosis for both NJ and our home in Queens, NY was not looking good. I told my husband that we should turn around multiple times during the drive. He didn't listen. Finally, I told him that we should arrive, speak to the hotel to see what accommodations could be made so that we would not lose our deposit, and hightail it the hell out of there! When his brother-in-law told him the same thing upon our arrival, he finally saw the light. The hotel was more than accommodating, and we will be driving back down this Labor Day weekend to finally have our vacation! (Biscayne Motel you rock!!). We stayed for a couple of hours after arriving, to stretch our legs a little bit, and eat a good dinner, but by the time dinner was done, it had already been decided that a mandatory evacuation would be in place by noon the next day. I am so glad that we left when we did, as I have heard absolute horror stories about the crazy amount of traffic the following day. We finally arrived home at 3 a.m. and sat waiting for Irene.
    

     We are so blessed that we escaped this storm with no damage more severe than a couple of tree branches blown down. There are areas nearby that are completely submerged, family members still without electricity, and many areas of our borough that had been placed under mandatory evacuation. We are very fortunate that our family is safe, dry, and warm, and pray for the speedy recovery for the areas that were not as fortunate.

Not Guilty?

     Today my heart hurts. I have been following the Caylee Anthony story since it first broke in the news that this beautiful child was missing. For three years, I have watched this bizarre story unravel and take many, unexpected twists and turns. I sat, on my honeymoon, glued to the television each day at 8:00 p.m. to watch Nancy Grace, praying and waiting for the news that Caylee had been found alive. I cried buckets when they found her body. And today, I shed tears again for this beautiful soul, who has touched so many lives.

     Tonight, when the house was quiet, and everyone was in bed, I sat and watched Viviana sleep, and I wept for a very, very long time. I tried and tried to wrap my brain around what transpired for Caylee, but try as I might, I don't understand. The world may never know what happened to this beautiful, little girl, but there is someone who does. And in a few days time, this woman who was supposed to protect her from all that is evil in the world, may very well walk out of the jail and carry on with her life, while her two-year-old sits in an urn, frozen in time, on her grandparents' mantel. This beautiful child, who should still be with us, enjoying the summer and turning six, will now eternally be the toddler whose story stole my heart. How can I feel good about my child living in a world where things like this can happen?

     As I do not know what really happened to Caylee, I can't sit here and say that her mother is guilty of murder, or manslaughter, but to not be found guilty on child neglect at the very least? Mind boggling! I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, one thing that Caylee's mother is guilty of: she failed her child. It tears my heart apart to know that this child was dumped on the side of the road like trash. That this beautiful girl, who smiled in pictures and giggled on videos was silenced with duct tape across her mouth. Did she cry for her mother in her final moments? Was she alone? Was she scared? Was she in pain? As I look at my daughter, I know that I would do anything in the world to protect her. If anything ever happened to my precious angel, that would be the day that my world came crumbling down around me. I would not be partying. I would not be getting tattoos. And I certainly (regardless of the truth in yet another's of Casey's stories) would NOT be covering for anybody who may have been responsible for any kind of harm that might come to her.

     My heart aches for Caylee. I am so, very sorry to even know the name of this little girl who lived hundreds of miles away. For my knowing her name means that she was not just an ordinary girl, living out her life in another part of the country. But the lessons that I have learned from this beautiful child in regard to loving and mothering my precious gift are valuable beyond words.  I pray that Caylee is at peace, and somehow knows nothing of the chaos that occurred today, yet knows how many lives she has touched. The light that twinkles in those gorgeous eyes in the pictures that we see, now twinkles in the sky, making the night a bit brighter. Rest in Peace, sweet angel.

August 9, 2005-June 16, 2008

Baby, You're a Firework!!

     This weekend was filled with errands, celebrations, and the occasional WTF-did-I-get-myself-into moment. I'll save the celebrations for last, as a finale to all of my gloom and doom. To say that we have a lot going on would be an understatement. This week, we will be putting our apartment up for sale. We have three realtors coming to give us feedback, on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday evening. I am not sure if "interviewing" realtors is standard procedure, but this is the route that my husband has chosen to take. I have been cleaning and boxing things up like a maniac for two weeks, and still do not feel prepared for these visits. All of this packing has been overwhelming in and of itself, and yet, in less than two weeks, we will be traveling to Greece to visit family. I am going to let all you mamas guess whose shoulders the responsibility of planning and packing has fallen on.

     But, it doesn't stop here. I have been stressing about my passport, as it did not yet arrive and we travel in precisely eleven days! I did, however, receive an email that it has been processed and mailed, so I will wait until Wednesday to have meltdown number 834,093 if it doesn't arrive. Inconvenience number two came in the form of an "urgent recall" on my car, for which I received notice last Tuesday, June 28th. The notification stated that I need to bring my car in immediately to be assessed for its safety. So, I called to make my urgent appointment, only to be told that they have nothing available until Friday, July 8th. Okay. Great.

     At the time of my appointment, the service department will check my car to see if it is in fact affected by the recall. If not, then I can be on my merry way. If so, one of two things can happen, depending on whether or not they have the part in stock. If it is not in stock, they will need to order the part, I will have to put my daughter back into the unsafe car, drive home (20 miles, and across a bridge), and come back when the part comes in. If they do have it in stock, the entire job will take three hours to complete (which in reality will be the better part of the entire day). But, they will give me a loaner. Not a bad deal, right? Wrong! Legally, they are unable to install a car seat into the loaner for me, even if I provide the seat. This would be a good time to mention that all of our car seats to date have been installed by either trained firemen or police officers. Please, everyone say a prayer that they check the car, and it is not affected by the recall. I need to be dealing with this like I need a hole in the head.

     Clearly, at this point, I have not taken on enough yet. This past week, I received a text message from the parent of a former student requesting tutoring for the summer. I was so ecstatic to a) feel needed, and b) be able to reconnect with this family (who has always held a special place in my heart), that I jumped at the opportunity to begin this week! Guess what? It's this week. Where does the time go? 

     Now on to the celebrations! Our Sunday, daytime events were postponed until Monday due to rain, which was good because the husband and I were having a pretty feel-lazy kind of day. In retrospect, we should have spent more of the day being productive, because Monday ended up being a cluster-cuss of events. In the evening on Sunday, we went to a barbecue at the house of a friend of hub's, along with little Miss Vivi. I will be honest in saying that I felt a little bit left out because everyone there was talking about a birthday party that they attended the night before. A party to which I wasn't invited. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway, because someone had to stay home with Vivi, but it still felt very awkward to hear everyone talking about an event to which I didn't receive an invite. The night before, my mother visited, and we sat, drank some wine, and played some video games. It was nice to have girl time.  
    
     Whoa, Monday. Once we got home from the barbecue on Sunday, Supermom took it upon herself to make smores cupcakes for Monday's barbecue (and totally forgot to take pictures for the blog. Doh!) I made 48 cupcakes in total, and was glad that I had time on Monday to frost them, or so I thought. On Monday, once we got moving, we didn't stop. We had to start preparing for our trip to Greece, which included running some errands to pick up last minute things such as sunblocks and baby food that can travel with us on the plane, as well as gifts for the family. We left the house at around 12:30 p.m. We got back at 6:09 p.m. precisely.

     The plan was to be at the barbecue by 6:30. My cupcakes were still not frosted. I do have to make a bit of a side note and mention that I am a bit of a snob when it comes to bringing food to events. I refuse, REFUSE, to bring store-made or bakery-baked goods. It is not that I don't approve of them. It's not that I don't like them. I just feel that baking is one of my strong suits, and it's just a much nicer gesture to bring something homemade. So, we got home and I started whipping up my marshmallow frosting. Only, it didn't whip. It didn't set. It flopped, and turned into a nasty, soup-like consistency. Luckily, I had a container of marshmallow fluff left, to take the place of the failed frosting (6:23 p.m.). I started frosting like a bat out of hell, got halfway through the cupcakes and ran out of fluff. Whomp, whomp. Hubs had to run out to the grocery store and buy another container. I used my time effectively while he was out and placed a single Hershey rectangle on each cupcake. They were looking good (by the time we got to the barbecue they completely melted). We were out the door by 6:42 p.m. At the barbecue by 7:00.

     Given the insanity of the day, I was pretty impressed with us for only being a half-hour late. Once at the barbecue, I was able to relax, unwind, and enjoy myself. We had a great time, with good food, wonderful friends, and finally, a break for Mommy. All in all it was a very successful weekend. I still have a ton of stuff to do in the next eleven days (so forgive me if my posts are a bit sporadic), but after those couple of hours to recharge, I feel much more positive in my outlook toward getting it all done. Here's hoping that you had a fantastic 4th of July weekend as well :)

New York State of Mind at the Beacon Theatre

     Last night was certainly a magical night. It was one of those nights that makes me remember how much I love being a New Yorker. Alicia Keys was playing at the Beacon Theatre, one night only, and I managed to snag tickets (thank God for Stubhub). I have been an Alicia fan since day one, and back in my singing days, actually used the song "Fallin" to win a competition or two. That same album saw me through a horrible breakup, and gave me the strength to walk away from the relationship for good, after four years of back and forth. Since that first album was released, I have seen Alicia perform live six times, including last night. Each concert is better than the last.

    But last night was a game changer for me. There were no background singers. There was no band. It was just Alicia and her piano. The stage was decorated with candelabra, and the room looked absolutely breathtaking. There were points throughout the night when you could hear a pin drop in the theater. Each song brought new goosebumps. I experienced sheer bliss listening to the rawness of her voice and the piano. Sitting in that theater, listening to my idol and surrounded by thousands of people, I had a moment of clarity. I need music in my life. Regardless of the capacity in which it happens, whether it is singing to Vivi, doing karaoke, or pursuing some variant of a career, I need to sing. It is and always has been a part of me, down to my very soul, and when I am not singing, I feel the void. I will admit that I had been stifling my need for music, and as corny as it may sound, felt that fire re spark last night. Something that seems as frivolous as singing tends to take a back seat to being a mommy, keeping a clean house, and just everyday life.

Rollin' with my homey

   Today was a day that was all about the babies. Vivi's best friend was getting baptised, and we were thrilled to be able to share in the celebration. I have known my best friend since freshman year in high school, which was fourteen years ago. We've been by each other's sides ever since. We were bridesmaids in each other's weddings. Her first child, two years old, is my godson. When I found out I was pregnant with Viviana, I was a little bit sad to have no one to share in the process with me. Five months later, my bff found out that she was expecting another baby! We were thrilled, and even more excited when she found out that a little girl was on the way.
 

And Baby Makes 3

     Three years ago, on the first day of summer, I married my best friend. Our wedding was gorgeous, celebrated with 200 of our closest friends and family. We had a beautiful Greek Orthodox ceremony, in honor of my husband's background. Afterwards, we threw quite the party. Every detail was planned to a T, as party planning is a favorite hobby of mine. There was no way my wedding wouldn't be meticulously planned and implemented. Here we are on that wonderful day.

     On our first anniversary, we renewed our vows in the Catholic church, a nod to my background, and went out to a beautiful dinner at Carmine's in Manhattan. Their portions are huge, served family-style, and we ended up eating leftovers for the next 3 days!! Our second anniversary was spent on the beach in Wildwood Crest, on the New Jersey shore. The trip was a combination anniversary/Father's Day/Babymoon trip. I was about 5 months pregnant, and we had recently found out that our raspbaby was in fact a girl. The stress of the school year ended two days before we left. The trip was exactly what we needed.

     This third anniversary of ours will have quite a different landscape. We will be a party of 3, dining at Tony Roma's. There will be no vows, no beachfront sunsets. Just myself, my husband, and our beautiful Viviana, celebrating three magical years, but our first as a family of three. The evening will be- in a word- perfection!

Three years later

Daddy's First Father's Day

     We had quite a successful first Father's Day. Despite the fact that my teething bundle of joy did not sleep one wink past 2 a.m. last night unless she was placed on my chest, we had a pancake breakfast, bright and early. I had forgotten what the sleepless nights are like, and taken my rest for granted once Vivi started sleeping through the night. It could be a sleep regression, or it could be the teeth that are threatening to make their appearance, but would rather torture my daughter for a bit longer than do so.
 

Love Bug. A Love Story

     As promised, today is the day that I share Vivi's story. All of my close friends and family know it, but until this point, I have never written it down. I would say that I don't like talking it, but everything that has happened has led to this point. Sometimes, you have to deal with some storms in order to get the rainbow. I can say with absolute certainty that every, single raindrop was worth it. Here goes:

     In February of 2010, during one of the horrible N.Y. snow storms, I woke up early to call into work (as a teacher) to see if we were closed for the day. As it ended up, we were, but I figured since I was awake already, I might as well take a pregnancy test, since it was officially accurate timing to test. Mind you, it was about 5 a.m. My husband and I had been trying for a few months, and I had just gotten used to the disappointment of the negative test each month. I tried to keep a positive outlook, as things had finally started to look up for our family. After being laid off for nearly a year, my husband had finally gained employment that fall, and thus, our journey to start a family began. I just knew that it had to happen for us soon. So, on that snowy morning, I took a test and finally saw the + I had been dying to see. Forgetting the time of day and the fact that my husband was in a dead sleep, I woke him up, jumping up and down, with the tears flowing (so much for my plan to tell him on Valentine's Day, if that month should be the month that I got my positive lol). Needless to say, we were absolutely blissful and in a bit of shock :) After work, I had hubby swing by the drugstore for more tests, just to be sure.

     Two months later, I was in tears yet again, because while I was elated over this new chapter in our lives, my husband found himself laid off for the second time in as many years. Marketing is a tough field, and one of the first to be cut when a company struggles in this economy. It was April, and I was due in October (on the 22nd). Our plan had always been for me to stay home and raise our children. Now suddenly we had this baby on the way, and our plans were slowly unraveling. Luxuries that we took for granted quickly had to be cut so that we could keep our heads above water on his unemployment and my small teacher's salary. No maternity pictures for us :(. We had to worry about how we were going to feed and clothe this baby.

     Fast forward to the summer. My husband, by August, was still unemployed, and my salary was due to end in September, as I was no longer a teacher at my school. We held a yard sale in late August to try to earn some money. It was very hot, and after two days on my feet, I was swollen!! My doctor had told me to give her a call if I should have any sudden swelling or a headache that wouldn't go away. After two days with the same headache, I decided to give her a call, and was sent to labor and delivery. At the hospital, they determined that my blood pressure was a bit elevated, and while it was not an emergency situation, I had to be monitored closely. My weekly appointments would begin a little earlier than customary.

     Two weeks later, I went to my weekly appointment for the routine blood pressure, protein, and weight check. It was September 15th. I was happy with the fact that I had a little over a month to go (I was 34 weeks, 5 days), and everything was in order. My plan was to go for my appointment, and then head to Babies R Us to exchange some things. In the office, my blood pressure and protein were high, and the doctor decided to send me to labor and delivery to be monitored for 24 hours, in case of pre eclampsia. So we headed to the hospital, and sat in the hallways of labor and delivery, as I listened to women in labor, screaming in pain (a very cruel joke for the hospital to play, by the way). I was brought into triage where I waited until there was a room set up for my 24 hour stay. Sometime between being set up in triage and brought to my room, my blood pressure sky rocketed, and what was supposed to be routine monitoring quickly turned into a serious situation. The nurse came in and said, "We need to induce, NOW." I burst into tears (and I am not a crier, at all). But it was too early! She needed to stay in there for another 5 weeks.

     Eighteen hours later, there was no progress (although there were sure as hell contractions) and my blood pressure was climbing still. We were going in for the emergency C-section, whether I liked it or not. Gone was my plan for the unmedicated birth. At 5:09 p.m. on September 16th, 2010, Viviana Melina  was born, shown to me, and whisked out of the room to NICU. She was exactly 4 lbs and 17 inches, and she was tiny. I was brought to recovery, and outside there was a tornado that destroyed a few homes in my neighborhood. I am told that I was yelling at my husband to call the neighbor or run home and check on our dog, Amos. Even in my drugged up state, I was terrified that he wasn't okay. Two days later, my blood pressure was still elevated, and the only reason that I was not admitted to cardiac ICU was that I wouldn't be able to see my daughter. My husband bribed the nurses to bring the baby to me (a platter of cookies goes a long way). My daughter was 2 days old, and I hadn't met her yet. She was in her ICU, and I was in the L&D version of mine. They did not send me to the postpartum wing where all of the other new mothers were cuddling their newborns. In hindsight, after seeing pictures of those first hours, it is probably better that I did not see her right away. She had tons of wires, and a CPAP (breathing) machine. It would have put me over the edge.

     Four days after having Viviana, I left the hospital, empty handed. My daughter went on to stay in NICU for two weeks. In my entire life, I have never felt like my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest until I had to go home every night, for two weeks, and leave my child in the hospital. The nurses were good, but they weren't Mommy. I felt I had failed her.

Poor little munchkin with all of her wires :(

Snuggled tight in her incubator

Being fed in the NICU. We started out with just a teaspoon of food at a time.

    To conclude my epic, all of our combined medical bills were staggering. Even with insurance, the out-of-pocket cost to us was a huge hit to our already-hurting finances. Luckily, my husband had secured employment, but was not due to start working until November 1st. His presence was a blessing to me, as I truly don't know how I would have gone through all of this alone, but my income was gone, and we were still trying to survive off of savings and his unemployment check. It has taken some time to recover from almost 2 years of his unemployment, all of the medical bills, and now the loss of my income, but things are starting to look up. Our daughter is 9 months old and absolutely thriving (thank God). You would never know she is a preemie. We are so blessed to have this miracle in our lives, even if it has been a bumpy road. I would do it ten times over to have the honor of being Vivi's Mommy.

My big girl!

Well, look who it is!

     I am so excited to finally be blogging! I have thought about it for awhile, but could never decide what I wanted my blog topic to be. I love to write, so I knew that inevitably I would have to choose something. I make a lot of cakes, cupcakes, and other goodies, so thought about a baking blog for a little while. But, I don't really have much to say about baking in general. Then, I thought about making a cooking blog, but realized that most of the good stuff that I cook comes from other blogs. Then, I started thinking about all of the crafty plans that I have for my daughter's upcoming first birthday, and it hit me!

     I am one of those people who likes to dabble a little bit in everything, but for the first time, I am doing it as a mom! My daughter (born in September, 2010) was never around before when I would bake cupcakes for my former students, or cover a cake in fondant as a favor to a friend. For the first time, I am doing all of this stuff with baby in tow, rather than in my spare time, which other mommies are well aware, no longer exists. (The teacher in me really wants to correct that run-on sentence that I just created, but I digress).

     One thing that I have found since becoming a mommy is that I love to talk about my daughter, and all of the new things I discover about her each day. I know that at times, I do it to a fault. So, I figured that I will pass along what I learn to other moms, and hopefully gain an interested audience. My friends and family love Vivi to pieces, but I am sure that after awhile, all of my incessant chatter may sound like background noise. What can I say, I am one proud mama. It is our nature to want to brag, and talk about our children, and how wonderful it is to have them. When I brought little Miss Vivi into this world, I consciously made the decision to forever have a piece of my heart walking around outside of my body.

     So this blog is my tribute to her, and to the daily path that we follow together. Another day, I will tell her story, and the drama with which she entered this world. But for now, I will leave this post as my "hello and welcome."